you're the hurricane i'll never out run

some of my readers may have noticed that many of these entries are told in the second person (addressed to "you"). what my readers may not know is that the "you" in these entries is a real person that i have been blessed to know and that this entire blog (even though it's branched out a little) is dedicated to her. very few people ever have the pleasure of knowing someone like you, but i do and yet i've wasted it in so many ways. i want my readers to have a chance to see things from your perspective this time so here's a conversation we had last summer that i've never forgotten that still hurts to read. its actually an excerpt because the original is very very long and lots of it is unrelated. please excuse typos and grammatical errors. my lines are bold. names have been removed. except for mine because its already on this page.

hey
hi
whats up
how was ur day
what do you think is up
it was sad
what were you sad about
i dont know
i was just in a bad mood
i was upset
and frustrated
I hope not on my behalf
and then i wrote ***** a letter and i was crying
and now im just emo
and listening to like
coldplay
what was the letter about
how if he loved me he wouldnt have left
because i miss him and im lonely
is there anything I can do
if you just want some company we can hang out more till he gets back
no
i dont want to hang out with you
why not
because i really am dissapointed in you
and im giving up on you
what do you mean giving up
i cant be your friend
its hopeless
whats hopeless about it??
andrew
you have had over a year now
to care
i look russian
I do care
and I dont know how thats related
no andrew
listen
its not
i really dislike your morals
and i think i deserve a friend who is going to be an honestly good person
and you possess none of the traits i like
your not nice
your not caring
your not blunt
or honest
you dont take chances
you are easily affected by peer pressure
your selfish
your not your own person
I know that I'm not the best person in the world but I'm doing better and we do have fun when we hang out and when it comes down to it isnt that whats important
no
nono
you like someone based on how they treat you
and you treat me like shit
how do I treat you like shit
need i remind you of yesterday
you need to chang
you DONT CHANGE
thats the problem
how many times did i ask and advise you to stop smoking
and then once your friends get there you ignore me and roll your eyes at me
is that what stated this?
and then you call just to get your stupid book
and then i say me and ****** are going to the city
not even an okay
and certainly not a goodbye
and not one bit did you try to come with me or get me to stay
mr. i will blow them off if i get to see you
you had your chance
and you blew it
your just a weak person
you treat me differently in front of your friends
you smoke
you drink
your sarcastic
reset your morals and grow a sense of self
and maybe we can be friends
i just know that i deserve friends who respect me and themselves
and you do neither
I'm sorry for yesterday, I know this doesnt make it anybetter but if it helps I really didnt mean to be direspectful
what
are you kidding
for someone who likes me as much as your say you do - if you cant even say goodbye or acknowledge my presence
then
ha
you have bigger problems than you and i
I know, it was completely unacceptbale
say something with meaning
dont just kiss ass and appologize
stand up for yourself for a try
I know that I have a lot to work on, lately shit has just been really confusing for me because last year I ind of had everything figured out for me, even if it wasnt perfect it worked for me, and now things are falling apart and I'm just trying to figure out what the fuck to do with my life. I know you don't like my friends and I understand why but you're kind of telling me to choose between you or them which is insanely hard for me. yesterday when I thought that I could try to bridge the gap for at least a little bit and it didnt work and obviously it made me do stupid things.
to bridge what gap?
they may not be perfect either but my friends are important to me and I've known most of them for years and they've been there for me, I'm not going to try and pretend that I can change them or even defend some of the shit we do but I can't just abandon them
I want to be friends with both of you but I guess for that to happen it just has to be seperate
what the fuck are you talkign about
no
god
what is wrong with you
you dont even try
if you call bridging the gap blowing me off for them
ignoring me when they are there
and not even saying goodbye to me because they might hear you
then fuck you
because i deserve better friends
no thats not what I mean
and frankly i think you do to
thats what I'm saying, I froze up, I was an idiot
andrew
if im crying right now because YOUR a shitty person
then you need to reevaluate
if your problems are hurting other people
and dont try to blame your lack of feelings on having a hard life
because you have your "friends" to be there for you
try having no friends and a hard life
then talk to me about it being hard for you okay
you're right, and thats what I'm trying to figure out lately, I dont have a hard life, and I have never really had too many serious struggles in my life, I've always had my everything in my life organized for me but lately stuff started changing and it made me think that maybe I should stop just skating through and going along with whatever and I'm having more trouble with it than I thought but I can work all this out, I just need to get settled into school so I can get back into a more regular pace but I can do it and I can be there for you and also have my friends and my family and do good in class, I know I can do it but I just need some time and support
well your not getting it from me
boo hoo my life is sooooo hrad
*hard
I'm not saying is hard
im really sorry that you cant fend on your own
yes you are
your like
my life isnt hard but im just having trouble a hard time
your a selfish son of a bitch
i used to want to help you andrew
but you cant even say goodbye to someone that you apparently really like
your damaged beyond repair
i gave you a change to be a good guy
and in november we saw was you were really made of
so hats off to you andrew
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every time i read that it just gets more and more brutal.