one time my dad cought me a horseshoe crab, and i asked him if throwin it back into the sea would bring our love back

i know, i suck, i'm a useless piece of shit,
but even though sometimes i wish i wasn't
i'm in love with you,
and when i close my eyes
i'm tracing patterns on the small of your back
and your ohsosoft hair is entangling me
tying me in sailors knots
keeping me wrapped around you forever.
but i'm scared,
cus i went to hell and back last time
i cant do it again.
so here's my new years resolution,
'I want to scream I love you from the top of my lungs,
but I'm afraid that someone else will hear me'
this year i'm not afraid.

----
one more bonus to close out 2008
heres the song i recorded with zeke for you, it'll be on itunes in a month or so and you can own a little part of me.

tentatively titled "Evander Holyfield and the Secret of My Success"

v1
sometimes i wonder why you're still around
i think you wonder that too
i hide my cocaine heart
beneath coffee ground wit
but you'll sniff me out eventually

chorus
press me between the pages of your favorite book
wear me in a locket, that you're father gave you
melt me in a candle, take a deep breath
i'll be the scent that you can't sleep without

v2
keep me posted on whatever you decide
cause i've made a record
of every time i chose to lie
it reads like a calendar
you can keep it as my will

change will come, but i will never believe in anything again

"It's hard to wake up
When the shades have been pulled shut
This house is haunted
It's so pathetic
It makes no sense at all.
I'm ripe with things to say
The words rot and fall away.
If a stupid poem could fix this home
I'd read it every day.

So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
It was mine
So when you're dead and gone
Will you remember this night, twenty years now lost.
It's not right

Their anger hurts my ears
Been running strong for seven years
Rather than fix the problems, they never solve them
It makes no sense at all
I see them every day
We get along so why can't they?
If this is what he wants and this is what
she wants
Then why is there so much pain?"

i'm sorry if i've been distant lately
i've had a lot on my mind.
it was about this time three years ago my parents split up.
i've never really talked about it with anyone.
a part of me wants to desperately,
but the rest of me would rather pretend it didn't happen.
you talk about the old me,
but you never really knew the old me.
i guess i was always a little abrasive,
but before it happened, i wasn't like this.
i'm just a statistic now.
i'm just the byproduct of one of 50% of american marriages that fail.

if it's not love it's the bomb that'll bring us together

sometimes i wonder why you're still around,
i think you wonder that too.
you've said it yourself,
i revel in the things you hate.
i hope you're not here because you feel obligated to be
'I damaged him, i have to fix him'
but I'm not your charge.
i think i know the real reason you're here.
because two and a half years later
I'm still begging you to be.
and i know its wearing thin,
and yes its true
that sometimes i lie
when i know the truth sucks worse,
and sometimes i exaggerate
when im not good enough on my own.
but i'm betting at this point
that you can read me better than him,
and you can see right through me,
inside im just a scarred kid.

smile.
you light up the whole world.

you're the girl of my dreams, and a pistol it seems, but you shoot me straight and true. time to lay down my bets, honey i put my money on you

happy birthday to me,
jake barnes, master of apathy.
captain ahab, driven only by aggression.
holden caulfield, just a little bit crazy.
joe kavalier, angry at the world.
jay gatsby, hopelessly self-absorbed.
its clear that all my favorite authors love to write about me.

"They would not find me changed from him they knew — Only more sure of all I thought was true."

this times different
the feeling is foreign.
i've been hiding the cocaine of my heart
beneath the coffee grounds of my sarcasm.
i don't want him to hate me,
i don't want to hate him,
i don't want anyone to hate him,
but you don't want to believe that.
robert frost was born in san francisco
just like me,
but he left for new england,
and all i can do is wish new england would come to me.
he said famously
"nothing gold can stay."
its strange that he was writing about us so long ago.

You know that you are not alone, I need you like water in my lungs

"Consider this a letter that I never sent
However inconsiderate it seems
Do you still consider me,
consider me the boy you laughed with
or that you learned to live without?... I suck,
I know I'm late,
I know you waited

You wouldn't get me on the phone
And you couldn't make me not alone

My phone bills stacked up by my bedside,
with your picture, you're looking surprised
You're what makes New England so great
My island nights are all spent dying
Wait for summer to become wrought with lips,
my wishful thinking"

i've got troubled thoughts and a self-esteem to match, what a catch

i can't let this go.
she says i should let you go.
i withdraw again within my books.

"All that most maddens and torments; all that stirs up the lees of things; all truth with malice in it; all that cracks the sinews and cakes the brain; all the subtle demonisms of life and thought; all evil, to crazy Ahab, were visibly personified, and made practically assailable in Moby-Dick. He piled upon the whale's white hump the sum of all the general rage and hate felt by his whole race from Adam down; and then, as if his chest had been a mortar, he burst his hot heart's shell upon it."

Eram quod es, eris quod sum

I am not an angel or a god,
a prince or even a lord.
i am in no way noble
or remotely divine,
and my morals are questionable at best.
so how do you expect me to do this?
decide the undecidable.
this is what happens when an unstoppable force
meets an immovable object.

my mind is is trudging along,
dropped out of the race,
stumbling along the sidelines.
and i can't even look at you without hurting
so my eyes flick to the door,
praying she'll save me,
that someone will show me the answers
give me a sign,
make up my mind.

i've taken myself off course too many times now,
so take the reigns,
i'll be anything you want me to be.
i wasn't lying when I said I'd never be over you,
but you're such a big part of me,
maybe i'll just never get over myself.
they say i'm gifted,
but im still just a scared kid.

she's beautiful when the rain damps her hair
and the fog of my breath makes her eyes gleam like headlights.
and i want to be her tough guy - sam spade
but i'm in love with you
still not sure about her.

I will never end up like him (behind my back I already am), keep a calendar this way you will always know

I am shiva, the god of death.
i could take this opportunity to fly a couple metaphor kites
but we both know they'd just get lost in the clouds.
sometimes i joke about my fascination with alcohol,
usually you mock me for it.
but no matter how i justify it,
it doesn't hurt so much when im drunk.
and you'll never know how much it hurts,
you'll only ever know one side of of this story.
so please don't tell me im not trying
i'm just scared,
i've lost you so many times
i had the golden fucking ticket
and i lost it.
i don't know why i hide within myself
don't force me out just yet.
today, alfred, you get to tell me I told you so.

sitting out dances on the wall, trying to forget everything that isn't you, im not going home alone, cus i don't do too well on my own

ah, drinking again.
time was i thought nothing could stop me from being straight edge
turns out all it took was a little loneliness and a healthy dose of heartbreak.
time was i told you i hadn't changed a bit
but me two years ago wouldn't recognize me now.
time was i thought i'd never love again...
alcohol has a much lower freezing point
which is why it feels warm going down your throat
but i guess its also why i feel so cold hearted.
f. scott fitzgerald had more potential as a writer in the 20th century than most people ever do
but he also had a wife whom he loved to death, quite literally.
i wish i wasnt like this
you loved me once when i wasn't like this
but the truth is i've had more conversations with jack daniels in the last month
than we have had in a year.
strange thing is i've finally learned to love every wicked thing about myself
cus 'I don't care what you think, as long as its about me..."

fuck it
i've found happiness in misery.

And when these words are found, let it be known that God's penmanship has been signed with a language called love

just because i haven't posted in a bit doesn't mean its getting easier,
it just means my creativity is dying along with my relationship with you.

if it can be broke then it can be fixed

fell in love today, with a band
called someone still loves you boris yeltzin
then i realized i was still just falling in love with you.

has this gotten any easier for you?

when asked to explain how to write, ernest hemingway said "all you have to do is write one true sentence. write the truest sentence you know."

all he's ever seen me as is a homewrecker, maybe if he'd just read one of these sentences he'd realize that all i want is the best for you.

once the drugs are done, then I feel like dying

I'm in pain right now
at least jack daniels understands me.

is he happier now, knowing that i'm miserable?

"fill my heart with song, let me sing forever more
you are all i long for, all i worship and adore
in other words, please be true

in other words, i love you"

i dont know what to say

i think i should stop writing for a while,
things are just too messed up right now.

I wish I could write like this

"for sale: baby shoes, never worn."

love's not a grave, it won't decay on you

baby, this one's for you.
you're the may to my sammy,
the ava to my frank.
you're the autumn to my new york,
the wind to my chicago.
you're the kavalier to my clay,
the catherine barkley to my frederic henry.
i love you like an infant loves the world
and like all great writers love alcohol.
i love you not as romeo loved juliet,
but rather as caesar loved rome.
i love you like...
i love you.

champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends

loving you is like having a pebble stuck in your shoe, ignoring it doesnt make it go away but if you try to get rid of it you just end up pushing it in deeper.

in that situation i would usually just take off my shoe but im not sure how that would play into the metaphor.

can't you see the grass is greener where it's raining

let me preface this post by saying that it's been a rough couple weeks.
we had a good talk and i should feel better because of it
but now i have to face all these feelings that i pretended didn't exist.
not that i ever forgot that you mean the world to me,
i just might have forgotten how much the world means to me.
i would give up my sense of sarcasm (and you know how important that is)
just to fix the mistakes i made in october, but november came and passed
let alone december, january and every other month that i've wasted being a subpar friend.

frank sinatra (yes, i know this is getting old) spent his whole life obsessing over ava gardner, the love of his life that slipped through his fingers.
maybe i can grow up to be just like him.

"i feel sorry for people who dont drink, when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day"

i made a new blog for all the playlists and frank sinatra and such that were ruining the integrity of this place. if you care about that kind of stuff it will all be available at walkinginsecurity.blogspot.com.

can you say "next big thing"?

decaydance. bat squad. young money. what it do?
Tyga Coconut Juice Music Video

you're the hurricane i'll never out run

some of my readers may have noticed that many of these entries are told in the second person (addressed to "you"). what my readers may not know is that the "you" in these entries is a real person that i have been blessed to know and that this entire blog (even though it's branched out a little) is dedicated to her. very few people ever have the pleasure of knowing someone like you, but i do and yet i've wasted it in so many ways. i want my readers to have a chance to see things from your perspective this time so here's a conversation we had last summer that i've never forgotten that still hurts to read. its actually an excerpt because the original is very very long and lots of it is unrelated. please excuse typos and grammatical errors. my lines are bold. names have been removed. except for mine because its already on this page.

hey
hi
whats up
how was ur day
what do you think is up
it was sad
what were you sad about
i dont know
i was just in a bad mood
i was upset
and frustrated
I hope not on my behalf
and then i wrote ***** a letter and i was crying
and now im just emo
and listening to like
coldplay
what was the letter about
how if he loved me he wouldnt have left
because i miss him and im lonely
is there anything I can do
if you just want some company we can hang out more till he gets back
no
i dont want to hang out with you
why not
because i really am dissapointed in you
and im giving up on you
what do you mean giving up
i cant be your friend
its hopeless
whats hopeless about it??
andrew
you have had over a year now
to care
i look russian
I do care
and I dont know how thats related
no andrew
listen
its not
i really dislike your morals
and i think i deserve a friend who is going to be an honestly good person
and you possess none of the traits i like
your not nice
your not caring
your not blunt
or honest
you dont take chances
you are easily affected by peer pressure
your selfish
your not your own person
I know that I'm not the best person in the world but I'm doing better and we do have fun when we hang out and when it comes down to it isnt that whats important
no
nono
you like someone based on how they treat you
and you treat me like shit
how do I treat you like shit
need i remind you of yesterday
you need to chang
you DONT CHANGE
thats the problem
how many times did i ask and advise you to stop smoking
and then once your friends get there you ignore me and roll your eyes at me
is that what stated this?
and then you call just to get your stupid book
and then i say me and ****** are going to the city
not even an okay
and certainly not a goodbye
and not one bit did you try to come with me or get me to stay
mr. i will blow them off if i get to see you
you had your chance
and you blew it
your just a weak person
you treat me differently in front of your friends
you smoke
you drink
your sarcastic
reset your morals and grow a sense of self
and maybe we can be friends
i just know that i deserve friends who respect me and themselves
and you do neither
I'm sorry for yesterday, I know this doesnt make it anybetter but if it helps I really didnt mean to be direspectful
what
are you kidding
for someone who likes me as much as your say you do - if you cant even say goodbye or acknowledge my presence
then
ha
you have bigger problems than you and i
I know, it was completely unacceptbale
say something with meaning
dont just kiss ass and appologize
stand up for yourself for a try
I know that I have a lot to work on, lately shit has just been really confusing for me because last year I ind of had everything figured out for me, even if it wasnt perfect it worked for me, and now things are falling apart and I'm just trying to figure out what the fuck to do with my life. I know you don't like my friends and I understand why but you're kind of telling me to choose between you or them which is insanely hard for me. yesterday when I thought that I could try to bridge the gap for at least a little bit and it didnt work and obviously it made me do stupid things.
to bridge what gap?
they may not be perfect either but my friends are important to me and I've known most of them for years and they've been there for me, I'm not going to try and pretend that I can change them or even defend some of the shit we do but I can't just abandon them
I want to be friends with both of you but I guess for that to happen it just has to be seperate
what the fuck are you talkign about
no
god
what is wrong with you
you dont even try
if you call bridging the gap blowing me off for them
ignoring me when they are there
and not even saying goodbye to me because they might hear you
then fuck you
because i deserve better friends
no thats not what I mean
and frankly i think you do to
thats what I'm saying, I froze up, I was an idiot
andrew
if im crying right now because YOUR a shitty person
then you need to reevaluate
if your problems are hurting other people
and dont try to blame your lack of feelings on having a hard life
because you have your "friends" to be there for you
try having no friends and a hard life
then talk to me about it being hard for you okay
you're right, and thats what I'm trying to figure out lately, I dont have a hard life, and I have never really had too many serious struggles in my life, I've always had my everything in my life organized for me but lately stuff started changing and it made me think that maybe I should stop just skating through and going along with whatever and I'm having more trouble with it than I thought but I can work all this out, I just need to get settled into school so I can get back into a more regular pace but I can do it and I can be there for you and also have my friends and my family and do good in class, I know I can do it but I just need some time and support
well your not getting it from me
boo hoo my life is sooooo hrad
*hard
I'm not saying is hard
im really sorry that you cant fend on your own
yes you are
your like
my life isnt hard but im just having trouble a hard time
your a selfish son of a bitch
i used to want to help you andrew
but you cant even say goodbye to someone that you apparently really like
your damaged beyond repair
i gave you a change to be a good guy
and in november we saw was you were really made of
so hats off to you andrew
-------------------
every time i read that it just gets more and more brutal.

i hope they serve beer in hell...

playlist time...

This week i've been listening pretty much to just two albums that came out recently. they are as follows.

The Hush Sound - Goodbye Blues
so the hush sound is a band that i've know about for a long time being on fbr then decaydance and all so i've had both their other two albums since they came out but i never really listened to them that much. I mean, they're both good i just never really got into them. but this one is fucking magnificent, its so good, the only tracks i ever skip are the intro and interlude and sometimes i listen to those too. greta's voice is INCREDIBLE! they pull off piano rock better than any band on the scene (I still love you Jack's Mannequin...) and the lyrics are catchy and creative too. buy it or see them on the honda civic tour right now with panic at the disco. (maybe you'll see me, i'm going to the vegas show, though to be honest im not sure if i'll remember any of vegas).

this one's kind of embarrassing but...
Various Artists - Punk Goes Crunk
this is a compilation of scene bands covering classic and modern hip hop songs. some of them are god awful but some of them bring a whole new light to already good songs. my favorites are all time low's cover of rihanna's "umbrella," my american heart's cover of 2pac and dr. dre's "california love," and of course the ridiculously over the top cover that say anything did of ol' dirty bastard's "got yo money." check it out if only for a laugh.

real post coming in a few minutes.

if you haven't read at least one of hemingway's novels then you shouldn't waste your time reading this.

this quote inspired me to make this blog almost a year ago, i figured i should post it. it's an excerpt from a letter hemingway wrote to f. scott fitgerald.

"Forget your personal tragedy. We are all bitched from the start and you especially have to be hurt like hell before you can write seriously. But when you get the damned hurt use it — don't cheat with it."

ill make you feel right when it's wrong like lyin

im not sure if anyone else has ever noticed this but being both a huge harry potter fan and a huge fall out boy fan i think i have to put this out there. on fall out boy's 2005 release "form under the cork tree" there is a song called Nobody Puts Baby In the Corner and in it there is a breakdown that goes:

"Wear me like a locket around your throat
I'll weigh you down, I'll watch you choke
You look so good in blue
You look so good in blue"

now for anyone who's read Deathly Hollows (which is everyone) you know that there is a scene where harry is in a pond wearing the locket horcrux and its slowly choking and drowning him. am i the only one who notices the similarities here??? all i can think about when i hear that song is harry potter.

now talking's just a waste of breath and living's just a waste of death, so why put a new address on the same old loneliness

so this is a new feature i'm gonna start (btw frank sinatra songs are still happening, it's just becoming a once a month thing because they were taking over). basically, i go through a lot of different music phases and they usually revolve around an album or a playlist. every once in a while, probably every week or two, i'll post my current playlist and you can all see where the titles to these posts come from an maybe learn a little bit about me in the process. here's the first one.

California - Phantom Planet
this one comes up a lot because im a huge OC fan (for those who dont know, this is the theme to the OC) and its just a really catchy song. i've been listening to them a lot lately since they got signed to fueled by ramen (the label that launched fall out boy, panic at the disco, gym class heroes, cobra starship etc.)

Lollipop - Lil Wayne
weezy f. baby returns. this is lil wayne's new single, i'm assuming its the first single off tha carter 3. he is probably the most talented wordsmith in the industry, especially considering that he freestyles most of it while based as fuck.

More Than A Feeling - Boston
please, you know you love it. they just don't make songs like this anymore.

Mr. Jones - Counting Crows
this is one of those songs that you just connect with, where you come out of it feeling like you somehow know the singer. the guitar work is also very nice.

Northern Downpour - Panic at the Disco
thus far the best song of 2008. no question. it could be a classic pop ballad for decades to come. brendon sings with just a twinge of sadness combined with rolling piano and classic rock guitar make it "one of those songs." ryan ross' lyrics never fail to amaze me.

Don't Stop Believin' - Journey
im not gonna lie, this is a total guilty pleasure but i love it.

i threw caution to the wind, but ive got a lousy arm

funny how we can send a man to the moon but still can't cure hangovers and heartbreaks. whats that line in all the cheesiest chick flicks? "no man is worth crying for and the one who is wont make you cry." i guess its just like that, you can beg for something to change but if it did you wouldn't want it anymore. hope is nothing if not a catalyst for change and im sick of change and henceforth sick of hope.

when the moon found the sun he looked like he was barely hanging on, but her eyes saved his life, in the middle of summer

i'm not sure what the the technical definition of "recluse" is and i'm too lethargic to look it up
but i'd say by now i'm filling a solid eighty percent of the requirements.
i spend my time looking through my old pictures, my favorites all have you in them [god what a creeper]
listening to panic at the disco and frank sinatra [how original]
watching old movies [that was cool.... 50 years ago when they came out]
and reading hemingway [i got nothin for that one]
as you may or may not have postulated by now, there is a curious absence of those activities that may shed light onto my less than admirable qualities
i wish it were just for appearance's sake, but i'm genuinely ashamed of this sad, sad series of happenings and slightly premeditated occurrences that have led me here.
do you know what it's like to hate a part of yourself so much that you stop caring what happens to it?
it's like a feedback loop.
i figure my pride and dignity are long gone so a little alcohol, maybe some verbal abuse can't hurt it any more.

a thousand years from now maybe they'll look at these writings as a mummy of my love for you,
quite a feat of [verbal] engineering, but ultimately ineffective
cause no matter how much of the life i can capture with these phrases
what if they're as hollow as a pile of bones and cotton?
just like those cotton wraps couldn't keep the glory of the paroahs alive
i doubt anything i'll ever write will truly capture this love of mine.

feed your jewelry to the sea

i am completely blown away by barack obama's speech on race. whether you support him or not you should do yourself a favor an read it (http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/03/18/politics/main3947908.shtml). not only does he have the best stance on almost all the big ticket policies, he actually has the right attitude to make a difference in the shitstorm we call politics because he's not just another politician. people say he's too young and he's only spent one term in congress but i'm convinced that's one of the strongest things he has going for him. we've spent 8 years dealing with a president who cared more about lobbyists and pundits than the people, enough is enough. he also has the kennedy's going for him which is a big deal for me because in my humble opinion they are collectively some of the most inspiring and talented people washington has ever seen.
ive always liked this video, maybe he can say it better than i can.

i know its sad cause i never gave a damn about the weather but it never gave a damn about me

the panic at the disco record is incredible, i fall asleep to now. the old one is great and i love it to death but it was like loud synthesized wordy pop-punk (which is totally my thing btw). this is melodic and (for lack of a better word) pretty, it says so much more while speaking so much less. every song is composed beautifully and recorded to a t. it has that quality of raw creativity that so many indie bands have but they had like a $50,000 budget so it doesn't sound like some dude threw up on a mixer, made it an mp3 and put it on the internet.
here's one of my favorite songs from it, it's called "she had the world"

She held the world upon a string
But she didn't ever hold me
Spun the stars on her fingernails
But it never made her happy

'Cause she couldn't ever have me
She said she'd won the world at a carnival
But she couldn't ever win me
'Cause she couldn't ever catch me
I, I know why
Because when I look at her eyes
I just see the sky
When I look in her eyes
Well I, just see the skies

I don't love you I'm just passing the time
You could love me if I knew how to lie
But who could love me I am out of my mind
Throwin' a line out to sea
To see if I can catch a dream

The sun was always in her eyes

She didn't even see me
But that girl had so much love
She'd wanna kiss you all the time
Yeah she's wanna kiss you all the time

She said she'd won the world at a carnival
But I'm sure it didn't ruin her
Just made her more interesting
I'm sure it didn't ruin her
Just made her more interesting

I, I know why
Because when I look at her eyes
I just see the sky
When I look in her eyes
Well I just see the sky

I don't love you I'm just passing the time
You could love me if I knew how to lie
But who could love me I am out of my mind
Throwin' a line out to sea
To see if I can catch a dream

"baby, you ain't drunk if you can lie on floor without holding on"

I just saw this a minute ago, but it is quite possibly the beautiful, heartfelt, succinct thing i have ever had the pleasure to read. i will let the author remain in their veil of anonymity.

"life is more than alright when you let yourself know it. theres not a hole in your head or your heart if you dont want there to be. its funny how people get nostalgic for the worst times in your life. people sometimes seem to miss the person i was when i was just in a self hating haze or fantasize that i miss or should miss someone who made me feel as worthwhile as a pile of dirt and spent their entire life decieving me. thanks to my friends who have let me grow into something new. i am listening to blues. i am having great conversations with friends. i am writing. i am walking the dog. i lying in the sun. i am riding a motorcycle. i am lauging. i am being in love."

fuckin brilliant.

Et, comme chaque jour je t'aime davantage, Aujourd'hui plus qu'hier et bien moins que demain

please don't hate me for being a horrible blogger, lord knows i've given you better reasons than that.

you're kinda like hydrogen peroxide to my wounds, burns like hell but always makes me feel better.

here's looking at you kid...

this post is dedicated to the greatest love story of all time, casablanca.

"play it, sam. play it once, for old times sake"

"what nationality are you?
I'm a drunkard."

"Who are you really, and what were you before? What did you do and what did you think, huh? "

"of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine."

"I wish I didn't love you so much"

losing the feeling of feeling unique

I'm in French right now, both literally and metaphorically.
I've come to realize that trying your best is not the best you can ask for
I just wish I knew what was so I could start doing it.
And let me just take a moment to say I miss you. A lot.
Its not all bad I guess, I mean, you only ever call when things get bad
I can only assume that my loneliness is your happiness.
on d-day the Germans used guns that shot faster than the speed of sound
you were dead before you heard the shot.
Loves kinda like that
the word not the emotion.
A friend of mine recently dropped the "L" word while in a post 12 shots drunken stupor over voicemail like ten times to his special someone.
Made me wonder if we say it cus we really mean it or because we've been taught to mean it
I don't think he was lying, I'm just not sure he meant it.
Now I don't know if I meant it, and I want to have meant it
but what if I was just saying it? Do you know if I meant it?
I should get back to French class, the sub is looking at me weird.

show me a starry eyed kid, i'll break his heart

The long weekend threw off my internal timer, but here's my ol' blue eyes song of the week, "I'm gonna live until I die"

I'm gonna live till I die
I'm gonna laugh stead of cry
I'm gonna take the town turn it upside down
I'm gonna live, live, live until I die

They're gonna say what a guy
I'm gonna play for the sky
Ain't gonna miss a thing,gonna have my fling
I'm gonna live live live until I die

Those blues I lay low, I'll make them stay low
They'll never trail over my head
I'll be a devil till I'm an angel
But until then Hallelujah
Gonna dance gonna fly
I'll take my chance riding high
Before my numbers up I'm gonna fill my cup
I'm gonna live, live, live until I die

Those blues I lay low,I'll make them stay low
They'll never trail over my head
I'll be a devil till I'm an angel
But until then Hallelujah
Gonna dance gonna fly
I'll take my chance riding high
Before my numbers up I'm gonna fill my cup
I'm gonna live, live, live, live until I die

This shit is so true, you have no idea how entertaining it is to me

www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com

trade baby blues for wide eyed browns

sorry im a little late with the song this week. it's "all the way" by francis albert sinatra.

When somebody loves you
Its no good unless he loves you...
All the way
Happy to be near you
When you need someone to cheer you
All the way

Taller than the tallest tree is
Thats how its got to feel
Deeper than the deep blue sea is
Thats how deep it goes if its real

When somebody needs you
Its no good unless she needs you
All the way

Through the good or lean years
And for all those in between years
Come what may

Who knows where the road will lead us
Only a fool would say
But if you let me love you
Its for sure I'm gonna love you
All the way

All the way....

So if you let me love you
Its for sure I'm gonna love you
All the way
All.. The ... Way......

like the fellas once said, ain't love a kick in the head?

so, uhm, last night
i was kind pretty wasted off vodka and snapple.
i started drifting off a little bit then snapping back
every time i closed my eyes i saw you.
it wasn't like a memory,
it was so vivid
it was like you were there looking back at me.
i ended up passing out at a friend's house at like 1:40
and i had this kind of weird dream,
maybe you can help me explain it.
we were at some theme park
and we were getting on a roller coaster
and i looked you in the eyes and said "i'm scared"
i tried to hold your hand but you took it away
then we started to move
at the peak of the loop i looked over and you were gone
then i let go of the handles and all of a sudden the restraint was gone and i was falling
so i closed my eyes and thought as hard as could about you and i was back on the roller coaster, you were still gone.
then ari woke me up.
i know there are some pretty obvious interpretations for this but it seemed so much more important.
i mean, i NEVER remember my dreams but this one is all i've been able to think about all day.
maybe we can talk about it sometime soon.

so i had to did, what i had to did, cus i gotta get [dough, dough] now i'm up all night, getin my money right, until the blue and whites [po po, popo]

wow. i'm so amazed that the giants one. I was pulling for them, but wasn't sure it would actually happen. anyways, it's that time of the week. the song is "the way you look tonight" by the one and only, the chairman of the board.

Someday
When I'm awfully low
When the world is cold
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight

Yes, you're lovely
With your smile so warm
And your cheek so soft
There is nothing for me but to love you
And the way you look tonight

With each word your tenderness grows
Tearing my fear apart
And that laugh
That wrinkles your nose
Touches my foolish heart

Lovely
Never ever change
Keep that breathless charm
Won't you please arrange it
'Cause I love you
Just the way you look tonight

And that laugh
That wrinkles your nose
It touches my foolish heart

Lovely
Don't you ever change
Keep that breathless charm
Won't you please arrange it
'Cause I love you
Just the way you look tonight

Hmm...
Hmm...
Just the way you look tonight

the world has its shine, but i would drop it on a dime for you

so its time for another frank sinatra lyric. this week it's "One for my baby (and one more for the road)". enjoy.

It's quarter to three
There's no one in the place
Except you and me

So set em' up Joe
I got a little story
You oughta know
We're drinkin' my friend
To the end of a brief episosde

Make it one for my baby
And one more for the road

I got the routine
So drop another nickel
In the machine
I'm feelin' so bad
Wish you'd make the music
Pretty and sad
Could tell you alot
But you've gotta' be true to your code

So make it one for my baby
And one more for the road

You'd never know it
But buddy I'm a kind of poet
And I've got alot of things to say
And when I'm gloomy
Simply gotta listen to me

Till its all talked away

Well, that's how it goes
And Joe I know
You're gettin' pretty anxious to close
So thanks for the cheer
I hope you didn't mind,
My bend in your ear

This torch that I've found
must be drowned
Or it soon might explode.

So make it one for my baby
And one more for the road
That long, long road

Oh, I just wish someone would try to hurt you so I could kill them for you.

today someone told me that my great grandma is in the hospital
she's not digesting food for some reason and they don't know why.
she went into surgery in the morning and i haven't heard anything since.
I need to talk to this but it seems like there's no one there to listen, which is what lead me here.
i love my great grandma so much.
she possesses the sort of unrequited kindness that is so rare these days,
and her home is one of the only places in the world where i feel truly loved.
she really is an amazing woman.
i know it shouldn't have, but hearing all this made me start thinking about death.
there are very few things i would die for in this world,
my family, a small handful of close friends, and then i got to you.
it's weird. at first i thought it was a no brainer, then i started over analyzing it.
i started thinking "would i really take a bullet for her, after everything that's happened?"
that's what got me thinkin, cause i've shot a gun, and bullets ain't no joke.
worse, i accidentally pondered on whether you would do the same for me
which really is a no brainer, but not in the fun way.
but i had a realization.
it's not about whether you would or not, because that doesn't matter.
what it's about is the fact that i couldn't live in world without you.
you are the single most intriguing and amazing person i have ever had the pleasure to meet
and you have changed my life in ways you may never understand.
my conclusion? yes, i would die for you.
so, uh, next time you've got a bullet coming your way, holla atchya boi.

[btw, the title to this post is a frank sinatra quote i read a long time a go that seemed fitting, i thought i should mention]

someday our names will be written in lights on broadway

oh! how well must you torment me?
present me with hope, masquerade as my dreams
yet return to my imagination as quick as you came.
you know me too well brer rabbit,
soon you'll have me leaping into briar patches.
sometimes you seem like a comic book villain,
always scheming, plotting my demise.
nay, curse the heavens for placing such wickedness in my thoughts!
it doesn't matter anyway,
we both know I'm no superhero.
my heart may be made of gold
but my mind is as dense as lead,
my heart could lead me a thousand miles to you
but my thoughts would way me down with each step.
they say said journey starts with one step,
well i just took two back and one forward's just gonna lead me in circles.

"I'm an actor, frank, I just want to act, and cheat on my wife... is that so much to ask?"

So, I haven't made a real post in ages, but i still just feel like a fraud and not a poet (10 points if u get the reference) so I cant in good conscience write something that I don't really feel. I'm going to use this time to introduce a segment that is very dear to me, frank sinatra song of the week. guess what it is? to kick it off i'm doing two songs this week, "they can't take that away from me" and "someone to watch over me". enjoy.

There are many many crazy things
That will keep me loving you
And with your permission
May I list a few

The way you wear your hat
The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
No, no, they can't take that away from me

The way your smile just beams
The way you sing off key
The way you haunt my dreams
No, no, they can't take that away from me

We may never never meet again, on the bumpy road to love
But I'll always, always keep the memory of

The way you hold your knife
The way we danced till three
The way you've changed my life
No they can't take that away from me
No they can't take that away from me

We may never, never, never meet again, on the bumpy road to love
Still I'll always, always keep that memory of

The way you hold your knife
The way we danced till three
The way you've changed my life
No, no, they can't take that away from me
No they can't take that away
They won't take that away
Cause they can't take that away
From me

------

There's a somebody
I'm longing to see
I hope that she
Turns out to be
Someone who’ll watch over me

I'm a little lamb
Who's lost in the wood
I know I could
Could always be good
To one who'll watch over me

Although I may not be the man
Some girls think of
As handsome
But to her heart
I'll carry the key

Won't you tell her please
To put on some speed
Follow my lead
Oh, how I need
Someone to watch over me

Won't you tell her please
To put on some speed
Follow my lead
Oh how I need
Someone to watch
Over me